- A -
- The triple is the most exciting play in baseball...Home runs win a lot of games, but I never understood why fans are so obsessed with them.
Hank Aaron, famous Baseball Player (and record home-run hitter), 1998
- If it helps to make people think a little bit more what those ideals are, then I'll keep wearing this uniform.
Barbara Adams, Alternate Whitewater juror, after being rejected for wearing her Star Fleet uniform to court, 1996
- The Dilbert Principle: People are idiots.
Scott Adams, Dilbert creator, author, re-engineering sage, 1996
- In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon.
Scott Adams, Dilbert's manager from The Dilbert Principle, 1996
- America is like my distant uncle who doesn't remember my name but occasionally gives me pocket money.
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Nigerian Author, on receiving a $500,000 McArthur grant, 27Sep2008
- I will have two fillings.
Advertisement, for US Women's World Cup, 1999
- It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that.
Alan Alda, actor, 1994
- I need to know the price of a gallon of milk and a dozen eggs. I need to know right now.
Lamar Alexander, former governor and presidential candidate needing a quick reality check while campaining in New Hampshire, 1996
- All I know is, there is water where it didn’t used to be, and I’m responsible for dealing with that.
Admiral Thad W. Allen, Commander of the U.S. Coast Guard, on patrolling areas of the Arctic Ocean that used to be covered by sea ice. NYT online edition, 16Aug2008
- We have turned up Earth's thermostat.
Richard Alley, Researcher at Penn State University, on Global Warming - announcing that 2006 was the warmest year in the U.S. since record keeping began, in Time, January 10th, 2007
- The more I know about men the more I like dogs.
Gloria Allred, feminist attorney, on Politically Incorrect, 1995
- Sis, even if you were adopted, I'd still love you...
American Greetings, from a series of 'less-than-tasteful' greeting cards, 1997
- Body odor can result in the loss of otherwise happy customers.
Amtrack training manual, 1999
- The Lord had the wonderful advantage of being able to work alone.
Kofi Annan, UN Secretary General, answering why he had not implemented organizational reforms after five months when 'God created the universe in seven days',1997
- We don't charge for autographs here. We give them away free.
(Anonymous Baseball Player), with the Beloit, Wisconsin "Snappers" in a commentary on the greed of major league players, 1995
- I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it.
(Anonymous Chinese Student), during protests in Tianamen Square, Beijing, 1989
- It's like the coming of civilization.
(Anonymous Moscow Resident), opening of the first Russian McDonalds Restaurant, Moscow, 1990
- Somehow a bunch of sanctimonious wackos have managed to legalize torture.
(Anonymous Airline Passenger), describing the US ban on smoking during airline flights, 1990
- You touch the wires and you fly!
(Anonymous Teenage Amateur Electrician), on what can happen when tapping illegally into high voltage power lines, heard on NPR, South Africa, 1994
- If you compare ours with the best of French wines, we are definitely
not there. But if you compare it to the worst of French wines, we are definitely better.
(Anonymous Vintner), near Bangalore India, 1994
- I'm going through some serious basketball withdrawl here.
(Anonymous Basketball Fan), on a WVLK radio call-in show, less than three weeks after the University of Kentucky won the US college basketball championship, 1996
- I am from Denmark and I am new at this. Why do you get two points for a basket?
Anonymous European Journalist, to US basketball player Karl Malone, during the summer Olympics, 1996.
- Please, Please, no more of this music.
(Anonymous Radio Listener), in France, after French DJs dusted off old disco records to satisfy
new domestic content laws, 1996
- Please Lord, let me prove to you that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
(Anonymous t-shirt plea), Wireless catalog, 1994
- Bank failue has a whole new meaning.
Anonymous Observer, as riverbanks and levees gave way during flooding in North Dakota, 1997
- It's really not fair. They should find some other place to put them.
Anonymous Publisher, after Scottish author J.K. Rowling held the top three places on the NY Times bestseller list - for her childrens' books, 1999
- I'm sure he's very big back in his own country.
Anonymous New York Policeman, as Garth Brooks was giving a concert for 250,000 people in central park, 1997
- Please stop. They really smell bad.
Anonymous Postal Employee, asking postal patrons to cease sending severed pig's ears to ear-biting boxer Mike Tyson, 1997.
- God sent a truck.
Anonymous Resident, from a poor section of Miami, explaining hoiw God had answered his prayers after a Brinks truck overturned on the highway, spilling $400K of money, which was carted off by local residents, 1997.
- Two more laser treatments and this is gone.
Tom Arnold, actor and comic, describing his plans for the "Rosanne" tattoo on his chest, 1995.
- I want to make this place so unpleasant that they won't even think about doing something that could bring them back.
Joe Arpaio, sheriff for Maricopa County, AZ, describing conditions in his 'tent city in the desert' jail, 1995
- Here I am, a person who has worked his entire life, paid his bills, does the right thing, has insurance, and can't get a procedure that I need. I have never confronted a problem like that before.
Jack Atwell, Ft. Lauderdale resident, after being asked to bring $2,500 "up front" money for a cardiac test, in the Sun Sentinel, 26Aug2008
- It was certainly a record for polyester.
Auctioneer, after John Travolta's leisure suit from Saturday Night Fever brought in $145,000 at auction, 1995
- Once was enough.
Christophe Auguin, French teacher, sailor, after sailing around the world solo in 106 days, 1997
- B -
- We can wear flat shoes now and be fat.
Ann Barbour, United Airlines flight attendant, commenting on a new agreement on working conditions, 1996.
- Gravity is a contributing factor in 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Dave Barry, Humorist, 1998.
- These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me,
they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like
me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it.
Charles Barkley, basketball player, in a commercial for basketball shoes, 1993
- I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
Charles Barkley, making NBA playoff predictions, 1994
- My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating", 1994
- Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.
Charles Barkley, after elbowing an Angolan basketball player at the Olympic Games, 1992
- We were so close to being one of the actual victims. It makes you feel humble.
Robert Lee Bedker,Vietnam war vetran mistakenly listed as killed in action on the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington, 1996
- I think one of the reasons I'm popular again is because I'm wearing a tie. You have to be different.
Tony Bennet, singer, 1994
- Never underestimate the power of denial.
Wes Bently, actor, in the film American Beauty, 1999
- I would like to believe that the discovery of even a single fossil bacteria on Mars would teach us what we ought to know all along, and that is what binds us here on earth-- all the diverse peoples here-- is really much more profound than what seems to separate us.
Richard Berendzen, American University Professor, August 6, 1996
- A hundred years from now Bob Dole's new tax plan will rate a footnote in the history books and this may have a whole chapter in itself.
Richard Berendzen, American University Professor, on the announcement that signs of extra terrestrial life were found in a meteorite, August 6, 1996
- Well, they're really outhouses. Once you've seen a race, you can't not be a fan.
Mark Blair, attendee, at the Great Outhouse Blowout (where they push 'em down the road on wheels -- what were you thinking?), Gravel Switch KY, 1996
- The purpose of terrorism is just that - to terrorize people, and we will not be terrorized.
Tony Blair, British Prime Minister, following a series of terrorist bombings in central London, NYT online edition July 7th, 2005
- The crimes that Saddam committed do not excuse the manner of his execution, but the manner of his execution does not excuse the crimes.
Tony Blair, British Prime Minister, in Time, January 10th, 2007
- I do not like this word bomb. It is not a bomb; it is a device which is exploding.
Jacques Le Blanc, French ambassador to New Zealand,
describing France's nuclear testing, 1995
- Pain's there for a reason. It lets your body know something's wrong and it needs to be fixed. I'd give anything for her to feel pain. If she sees blood, she knows to stop. There's only so much you can tell a 5-year-old.
Tara Blocker, mother of Ashlyn Blocker, who suffers from CIPA, a genetic disorder that makes her unable to feel pain, CNN online edition, November 1st, 2004
- My performances have finally caught up with my ego.
Ato Boldon, Trinidadian Sprinter, bronze medalist in the men's 100 and 200 meters, Atlanta Olympics, 1996.
- I watched too much Wile E. Coyote as a kid. I've outgrown it.
Jon Bon Jovi, musician and actor, on why he does not want to play action/adventure roles, 1996
- The kids get ready for school like they always do, and you throw them in the boat.
Talbert Boop, Hatfield Indiana resident, on dealing with widespread flooding, 1997.
- She wanted it strapless. Do you know what an engineering feat that is?
Saul Bostwick, dress designer for a 'larger than she used to be' Aretha Franklin, 1996
- It looked like a Taco Bell after an earthquake.
Karen Breslau, reporter for Newsweek, describing Air Force One after hitting severe air turbulence while serving Mexican food, 1996.
- Be careful what you swallow. Chew!
Gwendolyn Brooks, poet laureate, advice to graduates, Buena Vista University Graduation, 1995
- Every coin is awesome, but Alaska's is particularly awesome.
Andy Brunhart, Dep. Director of the US Mint, on the last of 50 comemorative quarters, in Time Magazine Online, 26Aug2008
- You always find out who's been swimming naked when the tide goes out. We found out that Wall Street has been kind of a nudist beach.
Warren Buffet, Billionaire, on financial solvency issues with Mortgage lenders Freddie mac and Fannie Mae, TIME online, 22Aug2008
- C -
- Most of them are bent so we dig them out, straighten them up and dig them back in again.
Norm Broussard, Municipal Road Crew Employee, in Punta Gorda, FL, on replacing street signs following hurricane Charlie, August 17, 2004
- What are we supposed to do, write them a ticket?.
Kenny Bryson, Washington DC Police Department spokesman, on being told that the Pentagon has no contingency plan for an invasion from outer space, and refers callers to local authorities, 1996
- A lot of advertisers lined up to throw money at this stuff because they were caught up in the hysteria about the Web. But now they want to know how you make money selling a $1.59 bottle of dish detergent on the World Wide Web.
Karen Burka, electronic marketing analyst, 1995
- One thing I can say about George...he may not be able to keep a job, but he's not boring.
Barbara Bush, first lady, 1995
- I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up.
Barbara Bush, first lady, 1989
- As if we don't have enough volence on television.
Barbara Bush, first lady, after her husband accidentally hit two spectators with golfballs during a celebrity golf tournament. 1995
- It's been different. I started driving again. I started cooking again. My driving's better than my cooking. George has discovered Sam's Club.
Barbara Bush, former first lady, describing life out of the public eye to David Letterman, December 6th, 1996
- My grandkids say, "Reality Bites." O.K., but it also challenges and
rewards...I believe our best days are yet to come.
George Bush, US president, College of William and Mary
Graduation, 1995
- I take as my guide the hope of a saint:
in crucial things, unity -
in important things, diversity -
in all things, generosity.
George Bush,US President, Inaugural Address, 1989
- I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little
kid and my mother made me eat it.
And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more
broccoli.
George Bush, US president, 1990
- The only time I had any butterflies was when I stood up and backed toward the open door and looked down.
George Bush, former US President, describing his sky diving experience, 1997
- There ought to be limits to freedom.
George W. Bush, Governor of Texas and US Presidential Candidate, in response to an unflattering web site, 1999
- To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States.
George W. Bush, US President, Yale University commencement speech, 2001
- Is this the Olympics or One Life to Live?
Margaret Carlson, essayist, on NBC's excessive use of tearful "Olympic Moments", during its broadcast of the Atlanta Games, 1996
- I want to sit on the other side so I can look out the window. I've already seen everything on my side of the bus.
Kimberly Carpenter, age 8, whose school system mandates boys and girls must sit on opposite sides of a school bus, 1997
- Please, O ye Lord, keep Jim Bakker behind bars.
Dana Carvey, comedian, 1992
- I would not vote for the mayor. It's not just because he didn't invite me to dinner, but because on my way into town from the airport there were such enormous potholes.
Fidel Castro, Cuban President-for-life, giving his opinion of New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, who stated he was unwelcome at some of the UN 50th anniversary events, 1995
- You'll get some lady who was selling teapots and baby clothes and all of a sudden she's an electronics kingpin.
Brad Celmanis, eBay online auction website member and fraud investigator, March 20th, 2004
- Momentary Insanity, nothing more, nothing less.
Brandi Chastain, explaining why she pulled off her shirt after kicking the winning goal in the Women's World Cup, 1999
- I won't be able to do what I'm doing forever. There aren't that many scripts floating around for fifty-year-old chicks.
Cher, pop singer and actress, 1996.
- A threat is basically a means for establishing a bargaining position by inducing fear in the subject. When a threat is used, it should always be implied that the subject himself is to blame by using words such as "You leave me no other choice but to..." He should never be told to comply "or else!"
CIA 'Human Resources' Manual, for Latin America, recently declassified, 1997.
- It's perfect for the clumsy. If you are still jumping, you're still using your legs as well as your arms, and getting the cardiovascular workout. You just don't have to worry about tripping on the rope. It is also good for mental institutions and prisons where rope is a suicide risk. And low ceiling fans aren't a hazard any more.
Lester Clancy, inventor (and patent holder) of the Cordless Jump Rope, May 30th 2006
- Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a
joke about a father-in-law?
Dick Clark , ageless music promoter, 1995
- What will we all do when the trial is over?
Dick Clark , ageless music promoter on the OJ Simpson trial broadcast, 1995
- You didn't tell me what I was getting into.
Dick Clark , ageless music promoter, during an appearance on
'Politically Incorrect', 1995
- You can put wings on a pig, but you don't make it an eagle.
Bill Clinton, US president, describing a modified piece of legislation, 1996
- Heavens, no! It could get subpoenaed. I can't write anything.
Hillary Clinton, US First Lady, when asked if she had a diary, 1996.
- Nobody protests against me anymore.
Bill Clinton, former US president, in Northern Ireland, 2001
- When I was competing, I'd like to think I inspired a few people to take up Olympic sport. To have the Olympics in your country, with all that it comes with, I think it's a golden opportunity to inspire so many more.
Sebastian Coe, former Olympic runner on leading London's successful bid for the 2012 Summer Games, NYT online edition July 6th, 2005
- Thank you to every American who has not sued me so far.
Sacha Baron Cohen, Commedian and Actor (aka 'Borat') upon winning a Golden Globe for Best Comety Actor, in Time, January 16th, 2007
- Socially, we're engaged in a race to the bottom. Do we want to allow competition based on exploitation of the work force?
Craig Cole, chief executive of Brown & Cole Stores, on other retailers' lack of health insurance offerings for their employees, NY Times online edition, November 1st, 2004
- I am compelled to emphasize that this signature-gathering process was the most deceitful and fraudulent exercise ever perpetrated upon this court. In reviewing signatures, it became apparent that in addition to signing names such as Mickey Mouse, Fred Flintstone, John Kerry and the ubiquitous Ralph Nader, there were thousands of names that were created at random and then randomly assigned either existent or nonexistent addresses.
James G. Colins, Presiding Judge of the Pennsylvania Commonwealth Court, after reviewing the petition for Ralph Nader to be added to the presidential ballot and finding 32,455 of 51,273 signatures to be invalid, October 14th, 2004
- The biggest critics of my books are people who never read them.
Jackie Collins , best selling author, 1995
- The two are unrelated. I'm not into turtles or space stuff.
Harry Connick, Jr., musician, singer, and actor, explaining the title of his new album, Star Turtle, 1996.
- We're getting shown a lot of love, but we're also getting a lot of stares like we're aliens or something. Am I the only person out here with dreadlocks?
Shelvin CooterNew Orleand Evacuee following hurricane Katrina, on his National Guard camp assignment near Salt Lake City, Utah, September 10th, 2005.
- If I end up with two marks in my neck, you'll know what happened.
Al Copeland, owner of the Straya restaurant in New Orleans, after a disagreement with local resident Anne Rice, vampire novelist, 1996.
- People will frighten you about a graduation....They use words you
don't hear often... "And
we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no
longer welcome here at these prices.
Bill Cosby, actor, author and comedian, Southern Methodist
University Graduation, 1995
- As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."
Bill Cosby, actor, author and comedian, from Childhood, 1991
- The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
Bill Cosby, actor, author and commedian, 1992
- My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.
Bill Cosby, actor, author and comedian, from Childhood, 1991
- Paul, George, and Ringo are recording a song using the last of John's unreleased tapes.
It goes "Hello, this is the Lennon residence, I can't come to the phone right now..."
Chris Cox, Congressman, during an appearance on
'Politically Incorrect', 1995
- This storm is going to be with us for a while. It looks it could be a boomerang storm.
Charlie Crist, Florida Governor, on Tropical Storm Fay which made four landfalls in Florida and dropped over two feet of rain, 20Aug2008
- There was never a war on poverty. Maybe there was a skirmish on poverty.
Andrew Cuomo, US HUD Secretary, 1999, in Time
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