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According to Ambrose

(169 entries, updated July, 2020)

Ambrose Bierce was an American author, editor, columnist, journalist and mapmaker, one of 13 children, who fought in the American Civil War, and died mysteriously almost fifty years later in the Mexican Revolution. Why does a quotations collection begin with a history lesson? Among Bierce's many writings was a slim volume originally titled The Cynic's Word Book, a collection of cynically humorous definintions of common words, each dripping with sarcasm or contradiction. The book, taken as a whole, was so bitter and cynical that it became re-titled as The Devil's Dictionary.

Bierce's dictionary is available online in its entirety at many locations, including Project Gutenberg. many of Bierce's definitions are included here, along with similar material adapted from other cynics, humorists, and perhaps a few realists. Two good examples are CRIMINAL, and, of course, SEX.


       --Steve


     - A -

  1. ACADEME, n.
    An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  2. ACADEMY, n.
    [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  3. ACTING, n:
    The most minor of gifts and not a very high class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four.  -- Katherine Hepburn


  4. ADMIRATION, n:
    Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  5. ADVERTISING, n.,
    The art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.  -- Will Rogers


  6. AMBASSADOR, n:
    An honest man sent abroad to lie for the good of his country.  -- Henry Wotton


  7. ARCHITECTURE, n:
    The art of how to waste space.  -- Philip Johnson


  8. ATHIEST, n:
    A man who has no invisible means of support.  -- John Buchan


  9.  - B -

  10. BASKETBALL, n:
    The second most exciting indoor sport.  -- Dick Vertlieb


  11. BATTLE, n:
    A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that will not yield to the tongue.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  12. BIRTH, n:
    The first and dirtiest of all disasters.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  13. BOUNDARY, n:
    In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  14. BORE, n:
    A person who deprives you with solitude without providing company.  -- Gian Vincenza Cravina


  15. BOSS, n:
    Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.  -- Anon.

  16. BOY, n:
    A noise with dirt on it.  -- Not Your Average Dictionary


  17. BUDGET, n:
    (1)An orderly system for living beyond your means.  -- Anon.

  18. BUDGET, n:
    (2)An attempt to live below your yearnings.  -- Anon.


  19. BUG, n:
    An aspect of a computer program which exists because the programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program.  -- Not Your Average Dictionary


  20. BUGS, pl. n:
    Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.  -- Anon.


  21. BUREAUCRAT, n:
    (1) A person who cuts red tape sideways.  -- J. McCabe


  22. BUREAUCRAT, n:
    (2) A politician who has tenure.  -- Anon.


  23. BUREAUCRACY, n:
    A giant mechanism operated by pygmies.  -- Honore de Balzac.


  24. BUSINESS, n:
    The art of extracting money from another man's pocket without resorting to violence.  -- Max Amsterdam


  25.  - C -

  26. CABBAGE, n:
    A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  27. CALORIES, n:
    Tiny creatures that live in your closet and shrink your clothes every night.  -- Anon


  28. CAT, n:
    (1) A soft, indestructible automation provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in domestic circles.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  29. CAT, n:
    (2) A lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.  -- Anon.


  30. CAPITOL, n:
    The seat of misgovernment.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  31. CELEBRITY, n:
    (1) One who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.  -- H.L. Mencken


  32. CELEBRITY, n:
    (2) A person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being reognized.  -- Fred Allen


  33. CENSOR, n:
    A man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.  -- Granville Hicks


  34. CHEF, n:
    Any cook who swears in French.  -- Anon.


  35. CHEMICALS, n:
    Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.  -- Anon.


  36. CHRISTIAN, n:
    (1) One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbors.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  37. CHRISTIAN, n:
    (2) A man who feels repentance on a Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  38. CLASSIC, adj:
    In literature, a book that everybody wants to have read but nobody wants to read.  -- Mark Twain


  39. COACH, n:
    A person who is willing to lay down your life for the good of his team.  -- Anon.


  40. COACH, n:
    A person who is willing to lay down your life for the good of his team.  -- Anon.


  41. COMMAND, n:
    In computer science, a statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.  -- Anon.


  42. COMMERCE, n:
    A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  43. COMMITTEE, n:
    (1)A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.  -- Richard Long Harkness

  44. COMMITTEE, n:
    (2) An entity that keeps minutes and loses hours.  -- Anon.


  45. COMMON SENSE, n:
    The collection of prejudices acquired by the age of eighteen.  -- Albert Einstein


  46. COMPROMISE, n:
    (1)An agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.  -- Anon.


  47. COMPROMISE, n:
    (2)The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.  -- Anon.


  48. CONFERENCE, n:
    A gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.  -- Fred Allen


  49. CONSCIENCE, n:
    The inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.  -- H. L. Mencken


  50. CONSERVATIVE, n:
    A statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  51. CORPORATION, n:
    An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  52. COWARD, n:
    (1) One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  53. COWARD, n:
    (2) A hero with wife, kids, and a mortgage.  -- Marvin Kitman


  54. CRIMINAL, n:
    A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.  -- Howard Scott


  55. CRITIC, n:
    One who boasts of being "hard to please" because nobody tries to please him.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  56. CYNIC, n:
    A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  57.  - D -

  58. DARLING, n:
    The popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.  -- Oliver Herford.


  59. DAY, n:
    A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  60. DELIBERATION, n:
    The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  61. DEMOCRACY, n:
    The recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time.  -- E.B. White


  62. DEPRESSION. n:
    A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed about.  -- Anon.


  63. DESTINY, n:
    A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  64. DIET, n:
    The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.  -- Anon.


  65. DIPLOMACY, n:
    (1) The art of saying 'nice doggie' till you can find a rock.  -- Wynn Catlin


  66. DIPLOMACY, n:
    (2) To do and say the nastiest thing in the nicest way.  -- Isaac Goldberg


  67. DIPLOMAT, n:
    A headwaiter who is allowed to sit down occaisionally.  -- Peter Ustinov


  68. DRUG, n:
    A substance that, when injected into a guinea pig, produces a scientifc paper  -- Anon.


  69.  - E -

  70. ECONOMIST, n:
    A man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.  -- Alfred P. Knopf


  71. EDITOR, n:
    A person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.  -- Elbert Hubbard


  72. ELBONICS, n:
    The art of maneuvering for the center armrest in a theater or airplane.  -- Anon.


  73. ELEPHANT, n:
    A mouse built to government specifications.  -- Robert A. Heinlein


  74. ETIQUETTE, n:
    The little things you do that you don't want to do.  -- Anon.


  75. EXECUTIVE, n:
    A man who talks to the visitors while others are doing the work.  -- Anon.


  76. EXPERIENCE, n:
    What causes a person to make new mistakes instead of the same old ones.  -- Anon.


  77. EXPERT, n:
    (1) An ordinary man away from home giving advice.  -- Oscar Wilde


  78. EXPERT, n:
    (2) Someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.  -- Nicholas Murray Butler


  79. EXPERT, n:
    (3) A person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared.  -- P.J. Plauger


  80. EXPERT, n:
    (4) A person who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.  -- Niels Bohr


  81. EXPERT, n:
    (5) A person who is never in doubt but often in error.  -- Anon


  82.  - F -

  83. FACTORIAL, n: Someone's attempt to make math look exciting.
      Steven Wright

  84. FAIRY TALE, n: a horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.  -- Anon


  85. FAKIR, n: a psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.  -- Anon


  86. FAMOUS, adj: Conspicuously miserable.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  87. FARM, n: A hunk of land on which, if you get up early enough mornings and work late enough nights, you'll make a fortune--if you strike oil on it.  -- Jim Jordan


  88. FIDELITY, n: A virtue particular to those about to be betrayed.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  89. FOG LAMPS, n: obnoxiously bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver's brain is in a fog.  -- Anon


  90. FUTURE, n: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  91. FURBLING, n: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank, even when you are the only person in line.  -- Rich Hall


  92.  - G -

  93. GENEALOGIST, n:
    One who traces your family history back as far as your money will go.  -- Anon.


  94. GOLF, n:
    (1) An ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose.  -- Winston Churchill


  95. GOLF, n:
    (2)A sport wherein one balances a ball an inch-and-a-quarter in diameter on a ball 8,000 miles in diameter, and then tries to hit the small one.  -- Anon


  96. GOSSIP, n:
    (1) The art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.  -- Walter Winchell


  97. GOSSIP, n:
    (2) When you hear something you like about someone you don't.  -- Earl Wilson


  98.  - H -

  99. HANGOVER, n:
    A self-inflicted wound.  -- Anon


  100. HEREDITY, n:
    What a man believes in until his son begins to behave like a delinquent.  -- Anon.


  101. HOPE, n:
    The feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.  -- Jean Kerr


  102. HORSE SENSE, n:
    Stable thinking.  -- Anon


  103. HOSPITAL BED, n:
    A taxi parked with the meter running.  -- Anon


  104.  - I -

  105. IDIOT, n:
    A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  106.  - J -

  107. JOURNALIST, n:
    A professional whose job it is to explain to others what it personally does not understand.  -- Lord Northcliffe


  108. JUDGE, n:
    A law student who marks his own papers.  -- H.L. Mencken


  109. JURY, n:
    Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.  -- Robert Frost


  110.  - K -

  111. KISS, n:
    A course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of conversation when words are superfluous.  -- Oliver Herford


  112.  - L -

  113. LABOR, n:
    One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  114. LIBERAL, n:
    (1) A conservative that has been smugged by reality.  -- Anon


  115. LIBERAL, n:
    (2) A man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.  -- Robert Frost


  116. LIFE, n:
    (1) A party jou join after it has started and leave before it's finished.  -- Elsa Maxwell


  117. LIFE, n:
    (2) The saddest thing there is, next to death.  -- Edith Wharton


  118. LITIGATION, n:
    A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  119.  - M -

  120. MANAGEMENT, n:
    The art of getting other people to do the work.  -- Anon


  121. MARRIAGE, n:
    An institution which is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the minimum of opportunity.  -- George Bernard Shaw


  122. MEETING, n:
    An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or group not represented in the room must solve a problem.  -- Anon


  123. METAPHOR, n:
    A way of holding the most truth in the least space.  -- Orson Scott Card


  124. MIDDLE AGE, n:
    (1)When your age starts to show around your middleThe art of raising eyebrows instead of the roof.  -- Anon


  125. MIDDLE AGE, n:
    (2)That time of life when you'd rather not have a good time than recover from it.  -- Fletcher Henderson


  126. MIRACLE, n:
    An event described by those to whom it ws told by men who did not see it.  -- Elbert Hubbard


  127. MODERN ART, n:
    What happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a better idea  -- John Ciardi


  128.  - N -

  129. NATION, n:
    A society united by its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbors.  -- W.R. Inge


  130.  - O -

  131. OPPORTUNIST, n:
    One who goes ahead and does what you always planned to do.  -- Anon


  132. OPTIMISM, n:
    The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  133. ORATORY, n:
    The art of making deeo noises from the chest sound like important messages from the brain.  -- Anon


  134.  - P -

  135. PAIN, n:
    An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  136. PAINTING, n:
    The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  137. PATRON, n:
    A customer who doesn't ask prices.  -- Anon


  138. PEACE, n:
    In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  139. PEDESTRIAN, n:
    Someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank.  -- Anon


  140. PETS, n,pl:
    The only members of your family that you actually like.  -- Anon


  141. PHILANTHROPIST, n:
    (1) A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  142. PHILANTHROPIST, n:
    (2) One who gives away what he should give back.  -- Anon


  143. PHILOSOPHY, n:
    A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  144. PLATITUDE, n:
    An idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.  -- H. L. Mencken


  145. POISE, n:
    The art of raising eyebrows instead of the roof.  -- Anon


  146. POLITICS,
    n: War Without Bloodshed.  -- Mao Tse Tung


  147. POOR, adj:
    When you have too much month left at the end of tour money.  -- Anon


  148. PROFESSOR, n:
    (1) A person whose job is to tell students how to solve the problems of life he avoided by becoming a professor.  -- Anon


  149. PROFESSOR, n:
    (2) One who talks in someone elses sleep.  -- W. H. Auden


  150. PROPAGANDA, n:
    Baloney disguised as food for thought.  -- Cincinnati Inquirer


  151. PURITANISM, n:
    The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.  -- H.L. Mencken


  152.  - Q -

  153. QUOTATION, n:
    The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  154.  - R -

  155. RESPONSIBILITY, n:
    A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  156. ROCK 'N' ROLL, n:
    Monotony tinged with hysteria.  -- Vance packard


  157. RETRACTION, n:
    The revision of an insult to give it wider circulation.  -- Anon


  158.  - S -

  159. SATIRIST, n:
    A man who discovers unpleasant things about himself, then says them about other people.  -- Peter McArthur


  160. SCIENCE, n:An orderly arrangement of what at the moment appear to be facts.  -- Anon


  161. SEX, n:
    (1) The most fun you can have without laughing.  -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary


  162. SEX, n:
    (2) The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.  -- John Barrymore


  163. SEX, n:
    (3) God's biggest joke on human beings.  -- Bette Davis


  164. SKIING, n:
    The only sport where you can spend an arm and a leg to break an arm and a leg.  -- Henry Beard


  165. SPOUSE, n:
    Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.  -- Anon


  166. STATESMAN, n:
    Any politician it's considered safe to name a school after.  -- Bill Vaughan


  167. STATISTICAL ANALYSIS, n:
    Mysterious, sometimes bizarre, manipulations performed upon the collected data of an experiment in order to obscure the fact that the results have no generalizable meaning for humanity. Commonly, computers are used, lending an additional aura of unreality to the proceedings.  -- Anon


  168. STATISTICIAN, n:
    (1) A person who can draw a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.  -- Anon


  169. STATISTICIAN, n:
    (2) Someone who can put his head in the oven and his feet in the freezer and tell you, "on average, I feel just fine."  -- Anon


  170. SUBBURBIA, n:
    A place where the developers bulldoze all of the trees -- then name the streets after them..  -- Bill Vaughan


  171. SWEATER, n:
    A garment worn by child when it's mother is feeling chilly.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  172. SYNONYM, n:
    A word used in place of another word you can't spell.  -- Anon


  173.  - T -

  174. TACT, n:
    The art of saying nothing when there is nothing to say.  -- Anon


  175. TEACHER, n:
    A person who helps you solve problems you'd never have without them.   -- Anon


  176. TRUTH, n:
    (1) An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time.  -- Ambrose Bierce


  177. TRUTH, n:
    (2) Something you stumble into when you think you're going somewhere else.  -- Jerry Garcia


  178. TV, cont.:
    A clever contraction derived from the words "Terrible Vaudville" - we call it a medium becasue nothing is well done.  -- Goodman Ace


  179.  - U -

  180. URBAN COWBOY, n:
    One who is typically all hat and no cow.  -- Anon


  181. USER, n:
    The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."  -- Dave Berry


  182.  - V -

  183. VACATION, n:
    Time off to remind employees that the business can get along without them.  -- Anon


  184. VEGETARIAN, n:
    A latin word that translates as "really bad hunter."  -- Anon


  185. VIRUS, n:
    A Latin medical term meaning, 'your guess is as good as mine.'  -- Anon.


  186.  - W -

  187. WAR, n:
    (1) A by-product of the arts of peace  -- Ambrose Bierce


  188. WAR, n:
    (2) Politics with blood.  -- Mao Tse Tung


  189. WEDDING, n:
    A necessary formality before securing a divorce.  -- John Clay


  190.  - X -

  191. XEROX, n:
    A trademark for a photocopying device that can make rapid reproductionsof human error, perfectly.  -- Merle L. Mecham


  192.  - Z -

  193. ZEAL, n:
    A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.  -- Ambrose Bierce


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