Flame and Shadow by Sara Teasdale To E. "Recois la flamme ou l'ombre De tous mes jours." [1920]

Part IX: By the Sea

The Unchanging

Sun-swept beaches with a light wind blowing

From the immense blue circle of the sea,

And the soft thunder where long waves whiten --

These were the same for Sappho as for me.

Two thousand years -- much has gone by forever,

Change takes the gods and ships and speech of men --

But here on the beaches that time passes over

The heart aches now as then.

---

June Night

Oh Earth, you are too dear to-night,

How can I sleep while all around

Floats rainy fragrance and the far

Deep voice of the ocean that talks to the ground?

Oh Earth, you gave me all I have,

I love you, I love you, -- oh what have I

That I can give you in return --

Except my body after I die?

---

Like Barley Bending

Like barley bending

In low fields by the sea,

Singing in hard wind

Ceaselessly;

Like barley bending

And rising again,

So would I, unbroken,

Rise from pain;

So would I softly,

Day long, night long,

Change my sorrow

Into song.

---

Oh Day of Fire and Sun

Oh day of fire and sun,

Pure as a naked flame,

Blue sea, blue sky and dun

Sands where he spoke my name;

Laughter and hearts so high

That the spirit flew off free,

Lifting into the sky

Diving into the sea;

Oh day of fire and sun

Like a crystal burning,

Slow days go one by one,

But you have no returning.

I Thought of You

I thought of you and how you love this beauty,

And walking up the long beach all alone

I heard the waves breaking in measured thunder

As you and I once heard their monotone.

Around me were the echoing dunes, beyond me

The cold and sparkling silver of the sea --

We two will pass through death and ages lengthen

Before you hear that sound again with me.

On the Dunes

If there is any life when death is over,

These tawny beaches will know much of me,

I shall come back, as constant and as changeful

As the unchanging, many-colored sea.

If life was small, if it has made me scornful,

Forgive me; I shall straighten like a flame

In the great calm of death, and if you want me

Stand on the sea-ward dunes and call my name.

Spray

I knew you thought of me all night,

I knew, though you were far away;

I felt your love blow over me

As if a dark wind-riven sea

Drenched me with quivering spray.

There are so many ways to love

And each way has its own delight --

Then be content to come to me

Only as spray the beating sea

Drives inland through the night.

If Death is Kind

Perhaps if Death is kind, and there can be returning,

We will come back to earth some fragrant night,

And take these lanes to find the sea, and bending

Breathe the same honeysuckle, low and white.

We will come down at night to these resounding beaches

And the long gentle thunder of the sea,

Here for a single hour in the wide starlight

We shall be happy, for the dead are free.

When I am all alone

Envy me most,

Then my thoughts flutter round me

In a glimmering host;

Some dressed in silver,

Some dressed in white,

Each like a taper

Blossoming light;

Most of them merry,

Some of them grave,

Each of them lithe

As willows that wave;

Some bearing violets,

Some bearing bay,

One with a burning rose

Hidden away --

When I am all alone

Envy me then,

For I have better friends

Than women and men.

Faces

People that I meet and pass

In the city's broken roar,

Faces that I lose so soon

And have never found before,

Do you know how much you tell

In the meeting of our eyes,

How ashamed I am, and sad

To have pierced your poor disguise?

Secrets rushing without sound

Crying from your hiding places --

Let me go, I cannot bear

The sorrow of the passing faces.

-- People in the restless street,

Can it be, oh can it be

In the meeting of our eyes

That you know as much of me?

Evening: New York

Blue dust of evening over my city,

Over the ocean of roofs and the tall towers

Where the window-lights, myriads and myriads,

Bloom from the walls like climbing flowers.

Snowfall

"She can't be unhappy," you said,

"The smiles are like stars in her eyes,

And her laugh is thistledown

Around her low replies."

"Is she unhappy?" you said --

But who has ever known

Another's heartbreak --

All he can know is his own;

And she seems hushed to me,

As hushed as though

Her heart were a hunter's fire

Smothered in snow.

The Silent Battle

(In Memory of J. W. T. Jr.)

He was a soldier in that fight

Where there is neither flag nor drum,

And without sound of musketry

The stealthy foemen come.

Year in, year out, by day and night

They forced him to a slow retreat,

And for his gallant fight alone

No fife was blown, and no drum beat.

In winter fog, in gathering mist

The gray grim battle had its end --

And at the very last we knew

His enemy had turned his friend.

The Sanctuary

If I could keep my innermost Me

Fearless, aloof and free

Of the least breath of love or hate,

And not disconsolate

At the sick load of sorrow laid on men;

If I could keep a sanctuary there

Free even of prayer,

If I could do this, then,

With quiet candor as I grew more wise

I could look even at God with grave forgiving eyes.

At Sea

In the pull of the wind I stand, lonely,

On the deck of a ship, rising, falling,

Wild night around me, wild water under me,

Whipped by the storm, screaming and calling.

Earth is hostile and the sea hostile,

Why do I look for a place to rest?

I must fight always and die fighting

With fear an unhealing wound in my breast.

Dust

When I went to look at what had long been hidden,

A jewel laid long ago in a secret place,

I trembled, for I thought to see its dark deep fire --

But only a pinch of dust blew up in my face.

I almost gave my life long ago for a thing

That has gone to dust now, stinging my eyes --

It is strange how often a heart must be broken

Before the years can make it wise.

The Long Hill

I must have passed the crest a while ago

And now I am going down --

Strange to have crossed the crest and not to know,

But the brambles were always catching the hem of my gown.

All the morning I thought how proud I should be

To stand there straight as a queen,

Wrapped in the wind and the sun with the world under me --

But the air was dull, there was little I could have seen.

It was nearly level along the beaten track

And the brambles caught in my gown --

But it's no use now to think of turning back,

The rest of the way will be only going down.

The panther wind

Leaps out of the night,

The snake of lightning

Is twisting and white,

The lion of thunder

Roars -- and we

Sit still and content

Under a tree --

We have met fate together

And love and pain,

Why should we fear

The wrath of the rain!

In the End

All that could never be said,

All that could never be done,

Wait for us at last

Somewhere back of the sun;

All the heart broke to forego

Shall be ours without pain,

We shall take them as lightly as girls

Pluck flowers after rain.

And when they are ours in the end

Perhaps after all

The skies will not open for us

Nor heaven be there at our call.

It Will Not Change

It will not change now

After so many years;

Life has not broken it

With parting or tears;

Death will not alter it,

It will live on

In all my songs for you

When I am gone.

Change

Remember me as I was then;

Turn from me now, but always see

The laughing shadowy girl who stood

At midnight by the flowering tree,

With eyes that love had made as bright

As the trembling stars of the summer night.

Turn from me now, but always hear

The muted laughter in the dew

Of that one year of youth we had,

The only youth we ever knew --

Turn from me now, or you will see

What other years have done to me.

Water Lilies

If you have forgotten water lilies floating

On a dark lake among mountains in the afternoon shade,

If you have forgotten their wet, sleepy fragrance,

Then you can return and not be afraid.

But if you remember, then turn away forever

To the plains and the prairies where pools are far apart,

There you will not come at dusk on closing water lilies,

And the shadow of mountains will not fall on your heart.

Did You Never Know

Did you never know, long ago, how much you loved me --

That your love would never lessen and never go?

You were young then, proud and fresh-hearted,

You were too young to know.

Fate is a wind, and red leaves fly before it

Far apart, far away in the gusty time of year --

Seldom we meet now, but when I hear you speaking,

I know your secret, my dear, my dear.

The Treasure

When they see my songs

They will sigh and say,

"Poor soul, wistful soul,

Lonely night and day."

They will never know

All your love for me

Surer than the spring,

Stronger than the sea;

Hidden out of sight

Like a miser's gold

In forsaken fields

Where the wind is cold.

The Storm

I thought of you when I was wakened

By a wind that made me glad and afraid

Of the rushing, pouring sound of the sea

That the great trees made.

One thought in my mind went over and over

While the darkness shook and the leaves were thinned --

I thought it was you who had come to find me,

You were the wind.

Oh to be free of myself,

With nothing left to remember,

To have my heart as bare

As a tree in December;

Resting, as a tree rests

After its leaves are gone,

Waiting no more for a rain at night

Nor for the red at dawn;

But still, oh so still

While the winds come and go,

With no more fear of the hard frost

Or the bright burden of snow;

And heedless, heedless

If anyone pass and see

On the white page of the sky

Its thin black tracery.

At Midnight

Now at last I have come to see what life is,

Nothing is ever ended, everything only begun,

And the brave victories that seem so splendid

Are never really won.

Even love that I built my spirit's house for,

Comes like a brooding and a baffled guest,

And music and men's praise and even laughter

Are not so good as rest.

Song Making

My heart cried like a beaten child

Ceaselessly all night long;

I had to take my own cries

And thread them into a song.

One was a cry at black midnight

And one when the first cock crew --

My heart was like a beaten child,

But no one ever knew.

Life, you have put me in your debt

And I must serve you long --

But oh, the debt is terrible

That must be paid in song.

Alone

I am alone, in spite of love,

In spite of all I take and give --

In spite of all your tenderness,

Sometimes I am not glad to live.

I am alone, as though I stood

On the highest peak of the tired gray world,

About me only swirling snow,

Above me, endless space unfurled;

With earth hidden and heaven hidden,

And only my own spirit's pride

To keep me from the peace of those

Who are not lonely, having died.

Red Maples

In the last year I have learned

How few men are worth my trust;

I have seen the friend I loved

Struck by death into the dust,

And fears I never knew before

Have knocked and knocked upon my door --

"I shall hope little and ask for less,"

I said, "There is no happiness."

I have grown wise at last -- but how

Can I hide the gleam on the willow-bough,

Or keep the fragrance out of the rain

Now that April is here again?

When maples stand in a haze of fire

What can I say to the old desire,

What shall I do with the joy in me

That is born out of agony?

Debtor

So long as my spirit still

Is glad of breath

And lifts its plumes of pride

In the dark face of death;

While I am curious still

Of love and fame,

Keeping my heart too high

For the years to tame,

How can I quarrel with fate

Since I can see

I am a debtor to life,

Not life to me?

The Wind in the Hemlock

Steely stars and moon of brass,

How mockingly you watch me pass!

You know as well as I how soon

I shall be blind to stars and moon,

Deaf to the wind in the hemlock tree,

Dumb when the brown earth weighs on me.

With envious dark rage I bear,

Stars, your cold complacent stare;

Heart-broken in my hate look up,

Moon, at your clear immortal cup,

Changing to gold from dusky red --

Age after age when I am dead

To be filled up with light, and then

Emptied, to be refilled again.

What has man done that only he

Is slave to death -- so brutally

Beaten back into the earth

Impatient for him since his birth?

Oh let me shut my eyes, close out

The sight of stars and earth and be

Sheltered a minute by this tree.

Hemlock, through your fragrant boughs

There moves no anger and no doubt,

No envy of immortal things.

The night-wind murmurs of the sea

With veiled music ceaselessly,

That to my shaken spirit sings.

From their frail nest the robins rouse,

In your pungent darkness stirred,

Twittering a low drowsy word --

And me you shelter, even me.

In your quietness you house

The wind, the woman and the bird.

You speak to me and I have heard:

If I am peaceful, I shall see

Beauty's face continually;

Feeding on her wine and bread

I shall be wholly comforted,

For she can make one day for me

Rich as my lost eternity.