Franklin Hyde

Who caroused in the Dirt and was corrected by His Uncle.

HIS Uncle came upon Franklin Hyde

Carousing in the Dirt.

He Shook him hard from Side to Side

And Hit him till it Hurt,

Exclaiming, with a Final Thud,

"Take that! Abandoned boy!

For Playing with Disgusting Mud

As though it were a Toy!"

Moral:

From Franklin Hyde's adventure, learn

To pass your Leisure Time

In Cleanly Merriment, and turn

From Mud and Ooze and Slime

And every form of Nastiness-

But, on the other Hand,

Children in ordinary Dress

May always play with Sand.

Hillaire Belloc

Godolphin Horne

Who was cursed with the Sin of Pride, and Became a Boot-Black.

GODOLPHIN Horne was Nobly Born;

He held the Human Race in Scorn,

And lived with all his Sisters where

His father lived, in Berkeley Square.

And oh! The Lad was Deathly Proud!

He never shook your Hand or Bowed,

But merely smirked and nodded thus:

How perfectly ridiculous!

Alas! That such Affected Tricks

Should flourish in a Child of Six!

(For such was Young Godolphin's age).

Just then, the Court required a Page,

Whereat the Lord High Chamberlain

(The Kindest and the Best of Men),

He went good-naturedly and took

A perfectly enormous Book

Called People Qualified to Be

Attendant on His Majesty,

And murmured, as he scanned the list

(To see that no one should be missed),

"There's William Coutts has got the Flu,

And Billy Higgs would never do,

And Guy de Vere is far too young,

And ... wasn't D'Alton's father hung?

And as for Alexander Byng!-...

I think I know the kind of thing,

A Churchman, cleanly, nobly born,

Come, let us say Godolphin Horne?"

But hardly had he said the word

When Murmurs of Dissent were heard.

The King of Iceland's Eldest Son

Said, "Thank you! I am taking none!"

The Aged Duchess of Athlone

Remarked, in her sub-acid tone,

"I doubt if He is what we need!"

With which the Bishops all agreed;

And even Lady Mary Flood

(So kind, and oh! So really good)

Said, "No! He wouldn't do at all,

He'd make us feel a lot too small."

The Chamberlain said, "Well, well, well!

No doubt you're right. One cannot tell!"

He took his Gold and Diamond Pen

And scratched Godolphin out again.

So now Godolphin is the Boy

Who Blacks the Boots at the Savoy.

Hillaire Belloc

Algernon

Who played with a Loaded Gun, and, on missing his Sister was reprimanded by his Father

YOUNG Algernon, the Doctor's Son,

Was playing with a Loaded Gun.

He pointed it towards his Sister,

Aimed very carefully, but

Missed her!

His Father, who was standing near,

The Loud Explosion chanced to Hear,

And reprimanded Algernon

For playing with a Loaded Gun.

Hillaire Belloc

Hildebrand

Who was frightened by a Passing Motor, and was brought to Reason

"Oh murder! What was that, Papa!"

"My child, It was a Motor-Car,

A most Ingenious Toy!

Designed to Captivate and Charm

Much rather than to rouse Alarm

In any English Boy.

"What would your Great Grandfather who

Was Aide-de-Camp to General Brue,

And lost a leg at Waterloo,

And Quatre-Bras and Ligny too!

And died at Trafalgar!-

What would he have remarked to hear

His Young Descendant shriek with fear,

Because he happened to be near

A Harmless Motor-Car!

But do not fret about it! Come!

We'll off to Town

And purchase some!"

Hillaire Belloc

George

Who played with a Dangerous Toy, and suffered a Catastrophe of considerable Dimensions

WHEN George's Grandmamma was told

That George had been as good as gold,

She promised in the afternoon

To buy him an Immense BALLOON.

And so she did; but when it came,

It got into the candle flame,

And being of a dangerous sort

Exploded with a loud report!

The lights went out! The windows broke!

The room was filled with reeking smoke.

And in the darkness shrieks and yells

Were mingled with electric bells,

And falling masonry and groans,

And crunching, as of broken bones,

And dreadful shrieks, when, worst of all,

The house itself began to fall!

It tottered, shuddering to and fro,

Then crashed into the street below-

Which happened to be Savile Row.

When help arrived, among the dead

Were Cousin Mary, Little Fred,

The Footmen (both of them), the Groom,

The man that cleaned the Billiard-Room,

The Chaplain, and the Still-Room Maid.

And I am dreadfully afraid

That Monsieur Champignon, the Chef,

Will now be permanently deaf-

And both his aides are much the same;

While George, who was in part to blame,

Received, you will regret to hear,

A nasty lump behind the ear.

Moral:

The moral is that little boys

Should not be given dangerous toys.

Hillaire Belloc

Lord Lundy

Who was too Freely Moved to Tears, and thereby ruined his Political Career

Lord Lundy from his earliest years

Was far too freely moved to Tears.

For instance if his Mother said,

"Lundy! It's time to go to Bed!"

He bellowed like a Little Turk.

Or if his father Lord Dunquerque

Said "Hi!" in a Commanding Tone,

"Hi, Lundy! Leave the Cat alone!"

Lord Lundy, letting go its tail,

Would raise so terrible a wail

As moved His Grandpapa the Duke

To utter the severe rebuke:

"When I, Sir! was a little Boy,

An Animal was not a Toy!"

His father's Elder Sister, who

Was married to a Parvenoo,

Confided to Her Husband, Drat!

The Miserable, Peevish Brat!

Why don't they drown the Little Beast?"

Suggestions which, to say the least,

Are not what we expect to hear

From Daughters of an English Peer.

His Grandmamma, His Mother's Mother,

Who had some dignity or other,

The Garter, or no matter what,

I can't remember all the Lot!

Said "Oh! That I were Brisk and Spry

To give him that for which to cry!"

(An empty wish, alas! For she

Was Blind and nearly ninety-three).

The Dear Old Butler thought-but there!

I really neither know nor care

For what the Dear Old Butler thought!

In my opinion, Butlers ought

To know their place, and not to play

The Old Retainer night and day.

I'm getting tired and so are you,

Let's cut the poem into two!

Hillaire Belloc

Lord Lundy (II)

Second Canto

It happened to Lord Lundy then,

As happens to so many men:

Towards the age of twenty-six,

They shoved him into politics;

In which profession he commanded

The Income that his rank demanded

In turn as Secretary for

India, the Colonies, and War.

But very soon his friends began

To doubt is he were quite the man:

Thus if a member rose to say

(As members do from day to day),

"Arising out of that reply . . .!"

Lord Lundy would begin to cry.

A Hint at harmless little jobs

Would shake him with convulsive sobs.

While as for Revelations, these

Would simply bring him to his knees,

And leave him whimpering like a child.

It drove his colleagues raving wild!

They let him sink from Post to Post,

From fifteen hundred at the most

To eight, and barely six--and then

To be Curator of Big Ben!. . .

And finally there came a Threat

To oust him from the Cabinet!

The Duke -- his aged grand-sire -- bore

The shame till he could bear no more.

He rallied his declining powers,

Summoned the youth to Brackley Towers,

And bitterly addressed him thus--

"Sir! you have disappointed us!

We had intended you to be

The next Prime Minister but three:

The stocks were sold; the Press was squared:

The Middle Class was quite prepared.

But as it is! . . . My language fails!

Go out and govern New South Wales!"

The Aged Patriot groaned and died:

And gracious! how Lord Lundy cried!

Hillaire Belloc