- A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
- A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
- After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
- All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
- And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
- Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night?
- Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
- Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
- I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
- I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.
- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
- I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
- I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
- I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
- I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
- I can't stop thinking like this.
- I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
- I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
- I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do?
- If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
- If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
- If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
- If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
- I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing what I was doing.
- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
- I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of milkmen.
- I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
- I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
- I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night.
- I have an inferiority complex, it's just not a very good one.
- I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
- I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
- I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
- I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
- I installed a skylight in my apartment....The people who live above me are furious!
- I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...
- I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire.
- I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
- I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
- I lost a button hole today.
- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out sales people. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
- I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
- I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
- I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
- I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
- I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
- I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
- In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
- In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
- I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
- I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
- I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour. The harmonica sounds
*amazing*.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
- I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...my calendar has no sevens on it."
- I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
- I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
- I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
- I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
- I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
- I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
- I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
- I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
- I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
- I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
- I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
- I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
- I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
- I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
- I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
- I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
- I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind
of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
- I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
- I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
- I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
- I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
- Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
- Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
- My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
- My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
- My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
- My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
- My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
- My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
- My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...Well, to make a long story short...
- My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
- My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
- My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
- My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
- My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
- One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
- Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
- Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false
teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear him talk.
- Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
- The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
- The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
- There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
- The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Wilma, Pebbles...
- The sun got confused about day
- Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
- Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
- Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
- What's another word for Thesaurus?
- When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
- When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
- When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
- When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.
- When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that
the shortest distance between two points was a straight line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
- When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
- Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
- You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
- You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
- You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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